When you betray your own values: Understanding moral injury in abusive relationships

The term moral injury is unfamiliar to most people, but if you’ve been in an abusive relationship - especially with children involved - you might know the feeling of it all too well.

Moral injury happens when we’re placed in situations that force us to go against our values. It’s not just stress or trauma, it’s the guilt, shame, and sometimes spiritual pain, that comes from believing you’ve betrayed yourself, or others you deeply care about. This kind of inner conflict can run deep and linger long after the relationship ends.

The Unseen Wounds of Living with Abuse

Abuse often erodes our choices over time. It manipulates, isolates, and pressures us into survival mode. But when you look back - especially with the clarity that can come after leaving - you might be hit with thoughts like:

“Why did I stay so long?”

“Why didn’t I protect my kids better?”

“How could I have become someone I barely recognise?”

These aren’t just reflections, they can be signs of moral injury.

Why does this happen?

1. Feeling Like You Failed as a Parent

Many people stay in abusive relationships for the sake of their children. They want to keep the family together, maintain financial stability, or avoid making their children endure a painful, or disruptive, separation. Others stay because they are afraid. Afraid of their partner, of the unknown, or of what might happen when they go through the legal system.

Even when these choices were made to protect, there can be a heavy burden of guilt later on: “I thought I was doing the right thing, but I didn’t shield them from the harm.”

This can feel like a betrayal of a core value - the deep instinct to protect.

2. Being Forced to Lie or Hide the Truth

   
   

Abusive dynamics often involve secrecy. You might have had to lie to your children, your friends, or your family about what was really going on. You may have put on a smile when you felt like screaming or said your partner was just “stressed” when they were actually cruel or controlling.

These moments can haunt you later, not because you were being dishonest in a traditional sense, but because they clashed with your values of honesty, transparency, and trust.

3. Doing Things You Regret (including reactive abuse)

   
   

This one hurts the most for many people - the times when you lost your cool.

Reactive abuse happens when someone, after enduring prolonged emotional, psychological, or physical abuse, lashes out. This might look like yelling, name-calling, or even throwing something in a moment of desperation.

Abuse wears people down. It can put you in a constant state of fight-or-flight. If you've been in a situation like this and have reacted in ways that shocked even you, it doesn’t mean you are an abusive person, it means you were pushed to your edge in a toxic environment.

Still, many people carry deep shame for these moments, especially if these things happened in front of their children. You might think: “I became just like them.” But reactive abuse is not the same as sustained, intentional harm. It's something that's out of character.

The guilt you feel is evidence of your values, not proof that you’ve lost them.

4. Being Silenced or Let Down by the System

   
   

Many people reach out for help...and find none. Family courts may dismiss the abuse. Police might not take it seriously. Child protection services might focus on your response rather than the actions of the person causing harm.

This kind of betrayal can compound moral injury. It can feel like you not only failed to protect your children, but were abandoned by the very systems meant to help.

What Healing Looks Like

Moral injury is painful, but it’s also evidence of your integrity.

You feel this way because you care. Because your values are still intact, even if they were buried under layers of fear, confusion, or coercion.

Healing from moral injury involves more than just moving on, it means making peace with the decisions you had to make under impossible circumstances. It means recognising:

• You were surviving, not thriving

• You were doing your best with limited choices

• You can repair, reconnect, and realign with your values

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. So many people carry invisible burdens that deserve compassion rather than blame and criticism.

You still get to be the person you want to be. That version of you isn’t gone, it’s waiting to be welcomed back.

How Counselling Can Help

Counselling offers a space where you can untangle these layers of guilt and grief, free from judgement. It can help you:

• Make sense of the decisions you had to make

• Understand the dynamics that shaped your reactions

• Reconnect with your values and personal identity

• Work through lingering shame and develop self-compassion

• Repair relationships with your children, if that’s part of your journey

  
  

Most importantly, it can help you reclaim your voice and your sense of self. You are not defined by what happened or by how you coped in moments of distress. You are allowed to grow, heal, and move forward on your terms.

Reach out if you're looking for support with this, or any other challenge related to a harmful relationship you've experienced, or are currently experiencing.