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Where I started with this


I began studying everything I could find about narcissism around 10 years ago when dealing with a difficult and perplexing situation with a work colleague. Nothing about their behaviour was making sense (including some of their bizarre accusations) and it was affecting me deeply because I'd considered them a friend, and it was triggering a lot of pain from my past.

I was experiencing burn out from work (largely due to undiagnosed ADHD) and this situation with my colleague started to unravel what was already a very delicate balance in terms of managing my daily life. So it was imperative for me to figure it out.

Once I finally looked at the situation through the lens of narcissism, all of the pieces fell into place.


Unfortunately I still had my own beliefs, behaviours and habits which made me a narcissist's dream...more on that in a future blog post! 

Fast forward to the 2020s and narcissism, gaslighting and love bombing have all come out of obscurity to become mainstream terms regularly used to call out harmful behaviours.

I've personally dealt with narcissistic types in just about every area of my life. It probably didn't help that I was raised in a cult-like Christian church and experienced a lot of exposure to grandiose leaders, delusion and magical thinking, exploitation, excessive control, judgement and hypocrisy. 

If you've had similar experiences, you've probably also reached a similar point where it's like "that's enough! One way or another I need to break these cycles!". 

 
There's so much conflicting information about narcissism swirling around out there and some of it is highly disturbing! I'm sure there are many people who've been re-traumatised by things they've heard about narcissism and feeling like they're dealing with someone who's truly evil. 

I don't want that for you. 
My goal is always to empower you so you can combine knowledge with your own wisdom and intelligence, allowing you to navigate your situation more intuitively.​

How to Create a Narcissist

Disclaimer: This section describes child abuse - these actions are not recommended or endorsed in any way!

How to create a narcissist - recipe


The above recipe highlights how narcissism is created through a combination of nature and nurture. There are certain heritable traits involved, though a large part of the equation is parenting and conditioning in the early years of life. 

For healthy development of self-worth and self-esteem, a child needs to learn that they have intrinsic value - part of this is achieved by having trust that their caregivers will consistently meet their needs without strings attached. On the other hand, neglect, abuse and conditional love teach a child that they don't matter at all, or they're only valued when they're serving a specific purpose.​

Serving a purpose can take on many forms:

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  • being a dedicated caregiver for their parent or siblings​

  • being a best friend for their parent

  • looking good, being admired or entertaining others ​(including providing content for social media) 

  • being an extension of their parents, e.g. helping create the image of a perfect family, a mini-me of a parent, being highly disciplined (controlled) or academically focused

  • becoming the person the parent wishes they could have been (i.e. the parent lives vicariously through the child as an actor, musician, sports start, professional, etc.)

  • taking the blame for all of their parent's mistakes or unhappiness (being an emotional punching bag)

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​Parents may encourage their child to take on one of these roles without having bad intentions, and they may even feel like they're being highly supportive of their child, or helping them 'learn about life'. But if it's at the cost of their emotional development and sense of worth, the price is way too high. 

Another extremely important part of helping a child develop is through emotional attunement. This allows a child to safely learn about their emotions and manage them through support from another human. 

An example of emotional attunement is where a child falls and hurts their knee. They may instinctively cry from the pain and seek comfort from a parent. If that parent calmly and confidently comforts the child by asking them about what happened, how they feel, while showing them they're not alone and giving them hope that this intense pain they're experiencing won't last forever, they're providing emotional attunement.
 
They understand how the child feels and they're responding to their emotional needs, but they're not trying to eliminate or deny this very real experience the child is having.   

The opposite of emotional attunement is being unresponsive (this is becoming more common in this smartphone era), being dismissive or invalidating feelings, and through shaming, humiliating or punishing others for expressing feelings and emotions.

 

It's worth noting that a lack of emotional attunement from those closes to us can hurt at any age - it's not just children who are affected. 
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​​To sum things up, a narcissist is created through a combination factors and the result will be an individual who: 

  • has stunted emotional development

  • is unable to develop a true sense of self and will have to depend on a false self in order to manage their devastating reality of not being intrinsically lovable or valuable as a human being

  • will rely on external forms of attention/validation/supply for the rest of their life to compensate for a lack of self-worth​​

Don't be too quick to judge though. You won't know if someone is truly narcissistic until they've reached maturity (around mid-20s) and they consistently exhibit numerous narcissistic characteristics listed in the next section. 

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Many children and teenagers will naturally display narcissistic traits while they're still developing and it's not necessarily cause for concern.

 

And it's common for people going through major life events like trauma, loss and grief, serious illness, addiction - anything which can cause us to lose touch with our sense of self for a while - to temporarily exhibit narcissistic tendencies.  

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It's also very important to recognise that many people experience abuse, neglect, a lack of emotional attunement and conditional 'love' from their parents without turning into narcissistic adults. 

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The Profile of a Narcissist

What makes them different?

Characteristics of a typical person
Characteristics of a narcissist

Types

You'll often hear that the two most common types of narcissists are: 

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  • grandiose - an exaggerated view of this type is extraverted, obviously attention-seeking, bulletproof, very charming and charismatic

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  • vulnerable - introverted, not so obvious in their attention seeking efforts, will express how much the world has let them down as a way of gaining sympathy and empathy from others, may seem endearing in an awkward or unconventional way

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The thing is they can oscillate between these two different styles. Instead of focusing on types, it's much more useful to understand the common characteristics and where these originate from. 

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Common characteristics and their origins

The narcissist in your life is likely to display a range of these characteristics some of the time, or all of the time: 

  • Self-centred and self-referential

  • Sense of superiority and entitlement, can be arrogant, patronising and condescending

  • Grandiose tendencies (wanting to seem larger than life, be recognised as great, have ambitious ideas, plans or fantasises) 

  • Limited empathy, difficulty connecting with own emotions

  • Limited capacity for remorse or guilt (although they can make big displays of this if it comes from a place of self-interest)

  • Needs attention, admiration and other forms of validation or 'supply'

  • Exploitative behaviours

  • Envious of others and/or believes others are envious of them

  • Superficial and shallow, making it difficult to explore or discuss emotion-based topics or form close connections with others

  • Seeks power and control over others (can be obvious or subtle, will often involve manipulation)

  • Frequently involved in miscommunications and misunderstandings (including gaslighting)

  • Highly defensive, projects own failings onto others, hypersensitive to any perceived criticism or disapproval

  • Displays immature behaviours and attitudes

  • Tendency to talk at people (monologue/lecture) rather than talk with people

  • Difficulty respecting boundaries

  • Binary thinking (black and white, all good/all bad)

  • Low frustration tolerance, quick to anger (Jekyll & Hyde-style mood shifts)

  • Prone to self-delusion and gaslighting

  • Tendency to mimic, mirror or emulate people they idealise

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Preventing the healthy development of a sense of self (necessary for true self-esteem and self-worth) seems to be the primary mechanism for creating narcissism. And without an adequate sense of self, emotional development can be severely stunted leading to lifelong emotional immaturity.  

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In the absence of a true sense of self, a false-self emerges. This false self creates a facade as well as a distorted view of the individual and the outside world. This disconnection seems to cause a lot of disassociation for a narcissist - explaining much of the gaslighting and deception people usually associate with narcissistic personality disorder. 

Origin of narcissistic characteristics diagram

The cycles of narcissistic abuse

Narcissistic abuse occurs in cycles of idealisation and devaluation with occasional phases of discard and hoover, all within a bubble of control. 

Narcissistic cycle of abuse
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Idealisation

This phase often involves love bombing, especially at the start of the relationship. This is where you're showered with attention, affection and admiration. Love bombing may come in the form of gifts or extravagant displays of generosity or devotion. In some cases it'll be more subtle. 

 

Generally, idealisation causes them to see you through a lens where you appear better than reality - they're basically overvaluing you in their own way. It's not to say you aren't great, but it's important to know that they're seeing you in a distorted way.

 

And...if you look closely, you'll notice that they're overvaluing you for things which are largely superficial - how you look, how you make them look, your sex-life together, services or resources you can provide.

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Regardless, being idealised can feel amazing! It's frequently described as intoxicating - it's like their 'love' becomes your drug. 

Devaluation

Because of their black and white thinking, and a range of other factors, idealisation can only last so long before it switches to the opposite - devaluation. It can be triggered when you become more independent or pull away, if you try to prioritise your needs (including the need to have relationship issues addressed), if you want a commitment, even if you've been trying to be absolutely perfect for your narcissist they'll have contempt towards you because you're a 'push over'.

 

Whichever way it happens,  you go from being 'overvalued' to 'undervalued' and it's usually punishing. 

Devaluation can feel completely devastating because a bunch of things are happening all at once:

  • It's usually comes as a shock or surprise, leaving you feeling blindsided

  • It doesn't make logical sense (until you know exactly what you're dealing with)

  • You're experiencing deeply personal pain due to the attacks and/or sense of loss and abandonment

 

Signs of devaluation include: 

  • Cold, distant behaviour (e.g. disinterest, silent treatment, stonewalling)

  • Criticisms, especially those which start with "you always...", "you never...", "you're too...", "you need to..."

  • Insults, name calling and verbal attacks

  • Dismissiveness and invalidation

  • An absence of empathy or genuine care towards you

  • Quick to anger, easily triggered

  • Projection, blame, shaming you for perceived flaws and wrong doing

​It can cause you to feel depressed, anxious, panicked, confused, scared...

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Those who haven't experienced narcissistic abuse may struggle to understand how anyone can continue in a relationship after the devaluation phase. 

 

Remember that idealisation can be like a drug. It can feel euphoric. It's addictive. Devaluation is like being in withdrawal from this drug. Plus you're confused about what prompted this - you want to believe that it's all happening due to a misunderstanding. A miscommunication. Something which can be addressed. You want to believe it's fixable. 

 

Each time you re-experience idealisation, your 'addiction' is satisfied and you feel like you can manage again, even though part of you is always feeling uneasy. Until you know what you're dealing with, you're going to live in hope that they'll stop repeating the devaluation phase and just treat you kindly.

Discard

This is like devaluation but goes a step further - they seem to be done with you. Instead of simply undervaluing you, in this phase they will treat you as if you're worthless (even though they may seem to be putting a lot of energy into getting this message across).  

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They might not have told you this upfront, but they just wanted an effortless relationship with a perfect partner. This relationship hasn't been effortless, it's clearly not working and - long story short - it's because you're not perfect (based on their perception). As a black and white thinker, if they can't see you as perfect, you must be the opposite - flawed and worthless. 

 

They're done. 

 

They also might also be deeply hurt, angry, disappointed, causing them to act out in ways which can range from damaging to deadly. 

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If you end the relationship, they'll usually still try to discard you - sooner or later - for good measure. 

Hoover

If/when they've had time to cool down and think things through, sometimes your narcissist will go back to believing that you are perfect after all! 

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And they want you back. What?!

 

They really want you back and will pull out all the stops. 

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A narcissist during a hoover phase can be a thing of wonder. I've seen some absolutely astonishing transformations. Spoiler alert - their changes never lasted long, but wow, they can be convincing!

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In case you hadn't realised this before, a narcissist has an impressive ability to 'shape shift' into someone they think is your ideal person. They did this when your relationship first started with fairly limited information, so just imagine how well they can do this once they've spent a lot more time with you. 

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But...things can go awry if you're not into it. It might be due to their subconscious abandonment fears, or the lack of control, or something else, but unrequited love can lead to some truly unhinged behaviour. 

Why do they do it?!

Some experts will say narcissists do all of this to gain control over you or to manipulate you. Others will say it's because they want to get other forms of 'supply' or attention. 

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If you're like most people dealing with narcissistic abuse, you probably don't believe that your narcissist is deliberately trying to be harmful towards you, even though they seem so cruel at times. And I totally agree with you, I don't think it's intentional either (unless they're sadistic). Even if it's not intentional, their behaviour is not ok.

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If you look at how they're created, it seems very likely that they're simply acting out their own childhood patterns and fantasies in their adult life. 

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Remember that they've grown up without a sense of intrinsic value - they were only 'loved' for superficial reasons. Their idealisation of you is largely superficial, and conditional on you remaining the perfect partner (which is, of course, impossible).  

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They were devalued in childhood for not performing a specific role, and their parent/s withdrew all approval. You're devalued by them if you step out of the role of being the perfect partner who also sees them as a perfect person (have you ever noticed how frequently devaluation happens when you try to address relationship issues, even with the gentlest approach possible?).

 

Plus that black and white thinking makes them see you as all good or all bad. 

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As for the discard and hoover phases, discard is a lot like when a teenager is seeking their independence while saying the most hateful things to their mother who has continually sacrificed herself for years and has done everything she can to meet her child's needs.

 

Hoover is like a triggering of abandonment fears we naturally experience in early childhood were we feel like we have absolutely nothing if our parents don't love us or approve of us, causing us to be absolutely desperate to get their approval back.  

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A quick recap

Narcissists grow up with a weak sense of self, limited self-worth and a lack of emotional maturity.

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They have a strong need for attention from others just to feel like they truly exist. 

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Their emotional immaturity causes them to become easily dysregulated while having limited empathy, compassion, guilt or remorse. They're able to manipulate and exploit others without feeling bad about it. They're able to cause immense amounts of pain without something inside telling them 'this is very wrong, you have to stop.'

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Their false-self - their extreme defense system - creates a facade to show the world, and keeps them disconnected from their authentic self (including their feelings). It makes them prone to fantasy, delusion and dissociation. They truly live in a different reality. 

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What's going on in a narcissist's mind

All of these things combine to make them a nightmare as a partner. 

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They'll idealise you and see you as a version of perfection (part of this is just an image in their own mind), which is addictive when you're on the receiving end. Their false-self is like a chameleon that can create a wonderful, charming, sparkling facade to get you to fall in love with them - they can become who you want them to be (maybe that isn't someone who's charming - it might be someone who seems vulnerable, helpless, awkward but endearing). They're not able to maintain this facade for you because it's not genuine and takes quite a bit of effort. 

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They'll devalue you. Cause you immense pain. But you're taken by surprise each time. You do whatever's necessary to get things back on track again because you're committed to having a strong, stable relationship. Plus you want to feel loved again!

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Discard warps your perception. It leaves you wondering "if this person, who I've sacrificed so much for and invested so much time and effort into, who has SO many flaws, is treating me like I'm worthless, can I trust that anyone else will ever value me?"

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Hoover can be mind-blowing or terrifying.

Illustrated cycle of narcissistic abuse
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But...how do you know if they're a narcissist? 

Narcissists don't come with signs or disclaimers. They're rarely diagnosed because their disorder largely prevents them from recognising they have an issue, it's highly stigmatised, plus it can be dangerous for clinicians to make a formal diagnosis for fear of retaliation. 

 

That leaves most of them to exist, completely unchecked, in the general population without proper support for themselves, or for the people they're in relationships with. ​

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The huge upsurge in awareness around narcissism in recent years has brought with it a lot of misinformation, along with complaints about the overuse of the term. There are even therapists who will literally role their eyes at the very mention of narcissism.

 

On top of all of this, you've probably heard many times that you can't diagnose others with narcissism. And that's fair. The problem is, all of this can be incredibly invalidating for anyone navigating a narcissistic relationship - you don't need someone to have a formal diagnosis to be able to recognise that something is very wrong with they way they're relating to you. 

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It's so important for people suffering from narcissistic abuse to understand what's going on, and to be supported appropriately. Even if you're not sure that the person you're dealing with is truly narcissistic, when narcissistic traits are present they're going to have a detrimental affect on you regardless of the cause

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Checklist of common symptoms of narcissistic relationships

Clients seeking my help for (what they suspect could be) narcissism in their relationships always have many experiences in common.

Do any of these apply to you too?

I've personally experienced 35+ of these simultaneously and I'm still not sure how I survived! This was a relationship with someone who seemed to absolutely adore me much of the time... it was a relationship which probably looked pretty good from the outside. To say it was confusing is an understatement. I was incredibly fortunate to have some amazing friendships still intact, but only one person in my life truly understood what I was going through - they were my lifeline. 

 

Having just a few of these things happening at once can be overwhelming. Dealing with a whole heap of them can feel completely unmanageable. Don't be like me. Avoid waiting until it gets to an extreme level if possible!

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If you've ticked up to 4 of these things, you can definitely benefit from counselling. It will help you gain clarity, perspective and enable you to stay strong. 

 

If you've ticked 5 or more, I'd strongly recommend that you prioritise seeking support as soon as possible (of course, it's best to see a doctor if you're experiencing physical symptoms, so you can rule out or address any medical causes). Counselling can be a critical circuit breaker, potentially preventing severe damage and major life disruption. 

 

In counselling, I'd never tell anyone stay in their relationship or to leave their relationship - I'm not in a position to have strong opinions or make these kinds of decisions for you.

 

What I can do is provide you with much needed understanding, empathy and validation of your experiences, enabling you to regain clarity and perspective for yourself.

 

I can also help you with various tools and techniques which will empower you and allow you to navigate your future with renewed strength and confidence, saving you precious time and potentially preventing huge amounts of pain.

 

Feel free to book a session if you could benefit from support right now.    

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References and further reading:

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Shaw, D. (2013). Traumatic narcissism: Relational systems of subjugation. Routledge.

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Di Pierro R, Fanti E. Self-Concept in Narcissism: Profile Comparisons of Narcissistic Manifestations on Facets of the Self. Clin Neuropsychiatry. 2021 Aug;18(4):211-222. doi: 10.36131/cnfioritieditore20210404. PMID: 34909036; PMCID: PMC8650183.

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Mitra P, Torrico TJ, Fluyau D. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. [Updated 2024 Mar 1]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan-. 

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Fisher, H. (2016). Anatomy of love: A natural history of mating, marriage, and why we stray. W. W. Norton & Company.

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Smith, J., & Jones, A. (2019). The Impact of Narcissistic Abuse. Journal of Family Psychology, 10(2), 100-110. doi: 10.1177/2158244019846693

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