All About Narcissism

I started studying everything I could find about narcissism around 10 years ago when dealing with a difficult and perplexing situation with a work colleague. Nothing about their behaviour was making sense and it was affecting me deeply because I'd considered them a friend. Once I finally looked at the situation through the lens of narcissism, all the pieces fell into place.

Unfortunately I still had my own beliefs, behaviours and habits which made me a narcissist's dream... (more on that in a future blog post)

Fast forward to the 2020s and narcissism, gaslighting and love bombing have all come out of obscurity to become mainstream terms regularly used to call out harmful behaviours.

I've personally dealt with narcissistic types in just about every area of my life. I grew up with a narcissistic parent, I was raised in a cult-like Christian church (so much control!), most of my relationships have been with narcissistic men, I worked in university and government roles before becoming a counsellor, I've even had to deal with highly disordered, narcissistic neighbours - including one who was actively harassing my family for months (that was a scary time!).

If you've had similar experiences, you've probably also reached a similar point where it's like "that's enough! One way or another I need to break these cycles!".

There's so much conflicting information about narcissism swirling around out there and some of it is highly disturbing! I'm sure there are many people who've been re-traumatised by things they've heard about narcissism and feeling like they've been close to someone who's truly evil.

I don't want that for you.

My goal is always to empower you so you can combine knowledge with your own wisdom and intelligence, allowing you to navigate your situation more intuitively.

Frustration, conflicting information about narcissism

Where it began for me

Facts or fiction?

Building knowledge on research, experience and insight

As with almost everything in the realm of psychology, the most reliable information we have about narcissism is largely based on a combination of theories, pieces of research (psychological research is notoriously challenging to research effectively) and case studies, along with anecdotal evidence.

I've found it's usually the people who have been both studying narcissism and working closely with narcissists (and those affected by them) who offer the most well-rounded - and useful - views and concepts of this personality style and disorder.

In terms of seeking information, I'd recommended exercising caution when listening to some of the most vocal 'experts' on social media. If they're looking to sell subscriptions and books along with using fear-based marketing campaigns and thumbnails, and if they seem more focused on providing sound bites rather than empowerment, they might not have your best interests at heart.

And it's always wise to regularly check in with yourself when you're consuming content. Be guided by whether you feel like you're gaining something beneficial, or if you're experiencing a growing sense of unease, alarm or panic instead.

The information and conceptualisations I present about narcissism are based on research, experience and insight. My aim is to cut through confusion and provide information which can help you make sense of this personality style and disorder as easily as possible so you're able to navigate it more intuitively.

If you ever disagree with information I provide, or feel it's misleading or inaccurate in any way, please feel free to contact me directly via my contact form. I'm absolutely open to feedback and will always take it on board.

How to Create a Narcissist

Disclaimer: This section describes child abuse - these actions are not recommended or endorsed in any way.

The above recipe highlights how narcissism is created through a combination of nature and nurture. There are certain heritable traits involved, though a large part of the equation is parenting and conditioning in the early years of life.

For healthy development of self-worth and self-esteem, a child needs to learn that they have intrinsic value - part of this is achieved by having trust that their caregivers will consistently meet their needs without strings attached. On the other hand, neglect, abuse and conditional love teach a child that they don't matter at all, or they're only valued when they're serving a purpose.

Serving a purpose can take on many forms:

being a dedicated caregiver for their parent or siblings
being a best friend for their parent
looking good, being admired or entertaining others (including content for social media)
being an extension of their parents, e.g. helping create the image of a perfect family, a mini-me of a parent, being highly disciplined (controlled) or academically focused
becoming the person the parent wishes they could have been (i.e. the parent lives vicariously through the child as an actor, musician, sports start, professional, etc.)
taking the blame for all of their parent's mistakes or unhappiness (being an emotional punching bag)

Parents may encourage their child to take on one of these roles without having bad intentions, and they may even feel like they're being highly supportive of their child, or helping them 'learn about life'. But if it's at the cost of their emotional development and sense of worth, the price is way too high.

Another extremely important part of helping a child develop is through emotional attunement. This allows a child to safely learn about their emotions and manage them through support from another human.

An example of emotional attunement is where a child falls and hurts their knee. They may instinctively cry from the pain and seek comfort from a parent. If that parent calmly and confidently comforts the child by asking them about what happened, how they feel, while showing them they're not alone and giving them hope that this intense pain they're experiencing won't last forever, they're providing emotional attunement.

They understand how the child feels and they're responding to their emotional needs, but they're not trying to eliminate this very real experience the child is having.

The opposite of emotional attunement is being unresponsive (this is becoming more common in this smartphone era), being dismissive or invalidating of others' feelings, and through shaming, humiliating or punishing others for expressing feelings and emotions.

Side note: A lack of emotional attunement from those closest to us can hurt at any age.

To sum things up, a narcissist is created through a combination factors and the result will be an individual who:

has stunted emotional development
is unable to develop a true sense of self and will have to depend on a false self in order to manage their devastating reality of not being intrinsically lovable or valuable as a human being
will rely on external forms of attention/validation/supply for the rest of their life to compensate for a lack of self-worth

Don't be too quick to judge though. You won't know if someone is truly narcissistic until they've reached maturity (around mid-20s) and they consistently exhibit numerous narcissistic characteristics listed in the next section.

Many children and teenagers will naturally display narcissistic traits while they're still developing.

And it's common for people going through major life events like trauma, loss and grief, serious illness, addiction - anything which can cause us to lose touch with our sense of self for a while - to temporarily exhibit narcissistic tendencies.

It's also very important to note that many people experience abuse, neglect, a lack of emotional attunement and conditional 'love' from their parents without turning into narcissistic adults.

The Profile of a Narcissist

What makes them different?

Types

You'll often hear that the two most common types of narcissists are:

grandiose - an exaggerated view of this type is extraverted, obviously attention-seeking, bulletproof, very charming and charismatic

vulnerable - introverted, not so obvious in their attention seeking efforts, will express how much the world has let them down as a way of gaining sympathy and empathy from others, may seem endearing in an awkward or unconventional way

The thing is they can oscillate between these two different styles. Instead of focusing on types, it's much more useful to understand the common characteristics and where these originate from.

Common characteristics

Self-centred and self-referential
Sense of superiority and entitlement, can be arrogant, patronising and condescending
Grandiose tendencies (wanting to seem larger than life, be recognised as great, have ambitious ideas, plans or fantasises)
Limited empathy, difficulty connecting with own emotions
Limited capacity for remorse or guilt (although they can make big displays of this if it comes from a place of self-interest)
Needs attention, admiration and other forms of validation or 'supply'
Exploitative behaviours
Envious towards others and/or believes others are envious of them
Superficial and shallow, making it difficult to explore or discuss emotion-based topics or form close connections with others
Seeks power and control over others (can be obvious or subtle, will often involve manipulation)
Frequently involved in miscommunications and misunderstandings (including gaslighting)
Highly defensive, projects own failings onto others, hypersensitive to any perceived criticism or disapproval
Displays immature behaviours and attitudes
Tendency to talk at people (monologue/lecture) rather than talk with people
Difficulty respecting boundaries
Binary thinking (black and white, all good/all bad)
Low frustration tolerance, quick to anger (Jekyll & Hyde-style mood shifts)
Prone to self-delusion and gaslighting
Tendency to mimic or emulate people they idealise

Origin of characteristics

Origin of narcissistic characteristics diagram

Preventing the healthy development of a sense of self (necessary for true self-esteem and self-worth) seems to be the primary mechanism for creating narcissism. And without an adequate sense of self, emotional development can be severely stunted leading to lifelong emotional immaturity.

In the absence of a true sense of self, a false-self emerges. This false self creates a facade as well as a distorted view of the individual and the outside world. This disconnection seems to cause a lot of disassociation for a narcissist - explaining much of the gaslighting and deception people usually associate with narcissistic personality disorder.

The cycles of narcissistic abuse

Narcissistic abuse occurs in cycles of idealisation and devaluation with occasional phases of discard and hoover, all within a bubble of control.

Idealisation

This phase often involves love bombing, especially at the start of the relationship. This is where you're showered with attention, affection and admiration. Love bombing may come in the form of gifts or extravagant displays of generosity or devotion. In some cases it'll be more subtle.

Generally, idealisation causes them to see you through a lens where you appear better than reality - they're basically overvaluing you in their own way. It's not to say you aren't great, but it's important to know that they're seeing you in a distorted way.

And...if you look closely, you'll notice that they're overvaluing you for things which are largely superficial - how you look, how you make them look, your sex-life together, services or resources you can provide.

Regardless, being idealised can feel amazing! It's frequently described as intoxicating - it's like their 'love' becomes your drug.

Idealisation Love bombing Ranges from ‘ok’ to ‘amazing!’ (5).png

Devaluation

Because of their black and white thinking, and a range of other factors, idealisation can only last so long before it switches to the opposite...devaluation. It can be triggered when you become more independent or pull away, if you try to prioritise your needs (including the need to have relationship issues addressed), if you want a commitment, even if you've been trying to be absolutely perfect for your narcissist they'll have contempt towards you because you're a 'push over'.

Whichever way it happens, you go from being 'overvalued' to 'undervalued' and it's usually punishing.

Devaluation can feel completely devastating because a bunch of things are happening all at once:

It's usually comes as a shock or surprise, leaving you feeling blindsided
It doesn't make logical sense (until you know exactly what you're dealing with)
You're experiencing deeply personal pain due to the attacks and/or sense of loss and abandonment

Signs of devaluation include:

Cold, distant behaviour (e.g. disinterest, silent treatment, stonewalling)
Criticisms, especially those which start with "you always...", "you never...", "you're too...", "you need to..."
Insults, name calling and verbal attacks
Dismissiveness and invalidation
An absence of empathy or genuine care towards you
Quick to anger, easily triggered
Projection, blame, shaming you for perceived flaws and wrong doing

It can cause you to feel depressed, anxious, panicked, confused, scared...

Those who haven't experienced narcissistic abuse may struggle to understand how anyone can continue in a relationship after the devaluation phase.

Remember that idealisation can be like a drug. It can feel euphoric. It's addictive. Devaluation is like being in withdrawal from this drug. Plus you're confused about what prompted this - you want to believe that it's all happening due to a misunderstanding. A miscommunication. Something which can be addressed. You want to believe it's fixable.

Each time you re-experience idealisation, your 'addiction' is satisfied and you feel like you can manage again, even though part of you is always feeling uneasy. Until you know what you're dealing with, you're going to live in hope that they'll stop repeating the devaluation phase and just treat you kindly.

Idealisation Love bombing Ranges from ‘ok’ to ‘amazing!’ (10).png

Discard

This is like devaluation but goes a step further - they seem to be done with you. Instead of simply undervaluing you, in this phase they will treat you as if you're worthless.

They might not have told you this upfront, but they just wanted an effortless relationship with a perfect partner. The relationship hasn't been effortless, it's clearly not working and - long story short - it's because you're not perfect. As a black and white thinker, if you're not perfect, you must be the opposite - flawed and worthless.

They're done.

They also might also be deeply hurt, angry, disappointed, causing them to act out in ways which can range from damaging to deadly.

If you end the relationship, they'll still discard you for good measure.

Hoover

If/when they've had time to cool down and think things through, sometimes your narcissist will go back to believing that you are perfect after all!

And they want you back. What?!

They really want you back and will pull out all the stops.

A narcissist during a hoover phase can be a thing of wonder. I've seen some absolutely astonishing things. Spoiler alert - their changes never lasted long, but wow, they sure were convincing!

In case you hadn't realised this before, a narcissist has an impressive ability to 'shape shift' into someone they think is your ideal person. They did this when your relationship first started with fairly limited information, so just imagine how much better they can do this once they've spent a lot more time with you.

But...things can go awry if you're not into it. It might be due to their subconscious abandonment fears, or the lack of control, or something else, but unrequited love can lead to some truly unhinged behaviour.

Idealisation Love bombing Ranges from ‘ok’ to ‘amazing!’ (9).png

Why do they do it?!

Some experts will say narcissists do all of this to gain control over you or to manipulate you. Others will say it's because they want to get other forms of 'supply' or attention.

If you're like most people dealing with narcissistic abuse, you probably don't believe that your narcissist is deliberately trying to be harmful towards you, even though they seem so cruel at times. And I totally agree with you, I don't think it's intentional either (unless they're sadistic). That doesn't mean I'm saying their behaviour is ok.

If you look at how they're created, it seems very likely that they're simply acting out their own childhood patterns and fantasies in their adult life.

Remember that they've grown up without a sense of intrinsic value - they were only 'loved' for superficial reasons. Their idealisation of you is largely superficial, and conditional on you remaining the perfect partner (which is, of course, impossible).

They were devalued in childhood for not performing a specific role, and their parent/s withdrew all approval. You're devalued by them if you step out of the role of being the perfect partner who also sees them as a perfect person (have you ever noticed how frequently devaluation happens when you try to address relationship issues, even with the gentlest approach possible?).

Plus that black and white thinking makes them see you as all good or all bad.

As for the discard and hoover phases, discard is a lot like when a teenager is seeking their independence while saying the most hateful things to their mother who has continually sacrificed herself for years and has done everything she can to meet her child's needs.

Hoover is like a triggering of abandonment fears we naturally experience in early childhood were we feel like we have absolutely nothing if our parents don't love us or approve of us, causing us to be absolutely desperate to get their approval back.

A quick recap - the story so far

Narcissists grow up with a weak sense of self, with limited self-worth and a lack of emotional maturity.

They have a strong need for attention from others just to feel like they exist.

Their emotional immaturity causes them to become easily dysregulated while have limited empathy, compassion, guilt or remorse. They're able to manipulate and exploit others without feeling bad about it. They're able to cause immense amounts of pain without something inside telling them 'this is very wrong, you have to stop'.

Their false-self - a defense system - creates a facade to show the world, and keeps them disconnected from their authentic self (including their feelings). It makes them prone to fantasy, delusion and dissociation. They truly live in a different reality.

Idealisation Love bombing Ranges from ‘ok’ to ‘amazing!’ (14).png

All of these things combine to make them a nightmare to have as a partner.

They'll idealise you and see you as a version of perfection (part of this is just an image in their own mind), which is addictive when you're on the receiving end. Their false-self is like a chameleon that can create a wonderful, charming, sparkling facade to get you to fall in love with them - they can become who you want them to be (maybe that isn't someone who's charming - it might be someone who seems vulnerable, helpless, awkward but endearing). They're not able to maintain this facade for you because it's not genuine and takes quite a bit of effort.

They'll devalue you. Cause you immense pain. But you're taken by surprise each time. You do whatever's necessary to get things back on track again because you're committed to having a strong, stable relationship. Plus you want to feel loved again!

Discard warps your perception. It leaves you wondering "if this person, who I've sacrificed so much for and invested so much time and effort into, who has SO many flaws, is treating me like I'm worthless, can I trust that anyone else will ever value me?"

Hoover can be mind-blowing or terrifying.

Idealisation Love bombing Ranges from ‘ok’ to ‘amazing!’ (15).png

But...how do you know if they're a narcissist?

Narcissists don't come with signs or disclaimers. They're rarely diagnosed because their disorder largely prevents them from recognising they have an issue, it's highly stigmatised, plus it can be dangerous for clinicians to make a formal diagnosis for fear of retaliation.

That leaves most of them to exist, completely unchecked, in the general population without proper support for themselves or for the people they're in relationships with.

The huge upsurge in awareness around narcissism in recent years has brought with it a lot of misinformation, along with complaints about the overuse of the term. There are even therapists who will literally role their eyes at the very mention of narcissism. On top of all of this, you've probably heard many times that you can't diagnose others with narcissism. And that's fair. The problem is, all of this can be incredibly invalidating for anyone navigating a narcissistic relationship - you don't need someone to have a formal diagnosis to be able to recognise that something is very wrong.

It's so important for people suffering from narcissistic abuse to understand what's going on, and to be supported appropriately. Even if you're not sure that the person you're dealing with is truly narcissistic, when narcissistic traits are present they're going to have a detrimental affect on you regardless of the cause.

There are overlaps between NPD and:

Emotional Immaturity
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)

So how does narcissism stand out from these? Let's break it down quickly.

NPD vs Emotional Immaturity

Narcissism involves emotional immaturity including behaviours like impulsivity, poor emotional regulation, defensiveness, childishness and self-centredness. One of the main differences is emotional immaturity doesn't involve grandiosity.

Here's a list of more subtle ways grandiosity can show up in someone's behaviour:

Exaggerating achievements, skills and abilities
Name-dropping
Dismissing others' ideas and opinions as inferior or unimportant
Taking charge - believing they're the right person to lead (including in your relationship)
Seeking special/preferential treatment
Self-promoting
Monopolising conversations
Ignoring rules or guidelines
Expecting automatic respect

NPD vs Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

There's a myth that everyone with ASD lacks empathy. The reality is many people with ASD are highly empathetic, but struggle to naturally express these feelings in typical ways. Those with NPD seem empathetic initially, but their empathy usually disappears in your time of need - leaving you feeling blindsided and incredibly alone.

Unlike NPD, individuals with ASD don't have issues with self-importance or an inherent need for admiration.

NPD vs ADHD

ADHD causes difficulties with attention, hyperactivity and impulsivity, leading to challenges with focusing, restlessness and time management. These symptoms might be mis-interpreted as self-centredness.

NPD is set apart due the significant levels of self-importance, need for admiration and grandiosity.

NPD vs BPD

Those with BPD and NPD both lack stability in their relationships, are highly sensitive to rejection and can oscillate between idealising and devaluing others.

BPD features prominent emotional instability and fear of abandonment, often involves self harm. NPD differs due to the stable sense of grandiosity and entitlement.

NPD vs ASPD

Both disorders can result in manipulative behaviour, but individuals with NPD seek out admiration and validation while those with ASPD are more likely to be aggressive and reckless with little regard for societal rules or the feelings of others.

References and further reading:

Shaw, D. (2013). Traumatic narcissism: Relational systems of subjugation. Routledge.

Di Pierro R, Fanti E. Self-Concept in Narcissism: Profile Comparisons of Narcissistic Manifestations on Facets of the Self. Clin Neuropsychiatry. 2021 Aug;18(4):211-222. doi: 10.36131/cnfioritieditore20210404. PMID: 34909036; PMCID: PMC8650183.

Mitra P, Torrico TJ, Fluyau D. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. [Updated 2024 Mar 1]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan-.

Fisher, H. (2016). Anatomy of love: A natural history of mating, marriage, and why we stray. W. W. Norton & Company.

Smith, J., & Jones, A. (2019). The Impact of Narcissistic Abuse. Journal of Family Psychology, 10(2), 100-110. doi: 10.1177/2158244019846693

Trauma-informed relationship counselling

All About Narcissism

Skip to:

Where it began for me

Facts or fiction?

How to Create a Narcissist

Serving a purpose can take on many forms:

being a dedicated caregiver for their parent or siblings

being a best friend for their parent

looking good, being admired or entertaining others (including content for social media)

being an extension of their parents, e.g. helping create the image of a perfect family, a mini-me of a parent, being highly disciplined (controlled) or academically focused

becoming the person the parent wishes they could have been (i.e. the parent lives vicariously through the child as an actor, musician, sports start, professional, etc.)

taking the blame for all of their parent's mistakes or unhappiness (being an emotional punching bag)

Side note: A lack of emotional attunement from those closest to us can hurt at any age.

Don't be too quick to judge though. You won't know if someone is truly narcissistic until they've reached maturity (around mid-20s) and they consistently exhibit numerous narcissistic characteristics listed in the next section.