The blame game: How narcissists shift responsibility

If you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you will have found yourself in the middle of all sorts of confusing and hurtful interactions - especially when it comes to blame. 

Often, it feels like no matter what happens, the fault seems to fall on you. 

Narcissists can appear to constantly deflect responsibility, leaving you doubting yourself, but this behaviour isn’t necessarily a calculated move. Rather, it often stems from deep-seated patterns they might not even be aware of.

Why Narcissists Struggle With Accountability

People with narcissistic traits tend to have a complicated relationship with their self-esteem. On the surface, they might appear highly confident, but beneath that exterior lies a fragile sense of self-worth. Because of this, admitting to mistakes or faults can feel like a threat to their identity. Shifting the blame onto others becomes a way to protect themselves from feeling inadequate or vulnerable.

It may seem like they’re deliberately trying to hurt you, but it’s more likely to be a reflection of their inner turmoil. When someone with narcissistic tendencies feels criticised or confronted, they often react defensively, unintentionally projecting their insecurities onto those around them.

How Blame Gets Shifted

Here are some common ways blame can be shifted in relationships with narcissists:

1. Projection: A narcissist may accuse you of behaviours or emotions that they themselves are struggling with. For example, if they're feeling frustrated or anxious, they might say that you are the one who’s being too emotional. This deflects their discomfort outward, and it can leave you feeling responsible for things you didn’t cause.

2. Minimisation: Narcissists typically downplay their own mistakes or shortcomings, which can make it seem like you’re overreacting to an issue. This is not always a deliberate strategy—it could be their way of coping with feelings of shame or failure. Unfortunately, this can make it difficult for you to feel heard or understood in the relationship, it can also erode trust. 

3. Playing the ‘victim’: When faced with conflict, a narcissist frequently frame themselves as the one who’s being wronged. This can happen because they perceive almost any form of criticism as an attack. Rather than acknowledging their part in a problem, they may express hurt or indignation, making you feel guilty even though you’re trying to address real concerns.

4. Gaslighting: This is a form of psychological manipulation where someone makes you  question your perception of reality. Narcissists may do this in a variety of subtle, unintentional ways by insisting you’re misremembering events or by denying something they said. 

Research, and a lot of anecdotal evidence, suggests that narcissists often do this due to confabulation (where they unknowingly create false memories to fill in gaps, believing them to be true) rather than making up lies or deliberately trying to make you feel crazy. Even though it might not be intentional, over time, it can cause you to doubt your own experiences and instincts.

5. Triangulation: Narcissists often involve a third party, like a family member or friend, to side with them and turn others against you. This allows them to reinforce their version of events, making you feel outnumbered or unsupported. When triangulation is combined with minimisation, it can leave you feeling powerless to have your truth recognised by the people who matter most in your life. This is especially common in family dynamics, where the narcissist will rally others to create a divide, leaving you isolated or doubting your perspective.

The Emotional Impact of the Blame Game

Being blamed for things that aren’t your fault, or where there should be shared responsibility,  can have a significant impact on your emotional wellbeing. You may find yourself constantly second-guessing your actions or questioning whether your feelings are valid. Memories of these interactions can just gnaw away at you, telling you that something isn’t right. Over time, the blame game can erode your self-confidence, making it difficult to trust your instincts or assert your needs in the relationship.

Here are some signs that you might be caught in a blame-shifting dynamic:

- You frequently apologise, even when you're not sure what you did wrong.

- You feel like you’re walking on eggshells, trying to avoid conflict.

- You often question your own memory or perception after disagreements.

- You feel isolated or misunderstood when you try to express your concerns.

- You notice yourself ruminating and mentally strategising to prevent being disadvantaged by this person.

How to Protect Yourself

It’s important to remember that the blame game isn’t necessarily intentional, but that doesn’t make it any less harmful. Here are some strategies you can use to protect yourself emotionally:

1. Set clear boundaries: Establishing boundaries is key to protecting your emotional health. It’s okay to say “no” or to step back when a conversation feels unproductive. Boundaries help create a space where you can maintain your own sense of reality, even when the narcissist’s reactions feel overwhelming.

2. Validate your own experiences: Keeping a journal or writing down key interactions can be a helpful way to stay grounded in your own reality. When you start to doubt yourself, you can look back at your notes to remind yourself of what actually happened. This practice can strengthen your confidence in your own perceptions.

3. Find support: It can be challenging to navigate a relationship with a narcissist on your own. Reaching out to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group can offer you the validation and perspective you need. Talking through your experiences with someone who understands can help you break free from the blame cycle and save you a lot of mental energy!

4. Practice self-compassion: Remember that it’s not your responsibility to take on someone else’s emotional reactions. It’s natural to want to help or fix things, but you’re not responsible for the narcissist’s feelings. Practice being kind to yourself and acknowledging that your needs and boundaries are just as important.

In relationships with narcissists, the blame game often comes from deep, unconscious patterns of deflecting responsibility, rather than deliberate attempts to manipulate. While understanding makes their behaviour seem less...personal, it’s crucial to prioritise your own well-being. Recognising when blame is being unfairly shifted onto you is an important step toward protecting your emotional health.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or confused by the dynamics in your relationship, consider booking a counselling session to help you gain clarity and support. It could save you countless hours of rumination and emotional pain.