Is someone in your life always ruining special occasions?

The first few times it happens you might think it's just bad luck, or perhaps it's your imagination...

If that person in your life is a narcissist, I can tell you it's not happening by chance - they truly have a knack for disrupting holidays and special occasions. 

Rather than contributing to memories you can cherish together, they create stressful ordeals and shattered dreams instead.

So why do narcissists have to ruin holidays?

1. It's All About Them

One of the key characteristics of narcissistic individuals is their self-centredness and constant need for external validation (this can be overt or covert). 

Holidays, which are typically based on spending time with loved ones and showing appreciation for one another, become platforms for them to seek attention. It doesn't really matter if it's positive or negative either - attention is attention.

Instead of focusing on the spirit of the occasion, they turn the spotlight onto themselves, leaving others feeling neglected, unimportant and disappointed.

2. Control and Manipulation

Narcissists have a higher than average need for control and special occasions provide them with the perfect opportunity to exert their influence. 

From dictating how events should or shouldn't unfold, to causing issues to regain control of the situation, they disrupt the natural flow of festivities, leaving those around them feeling on edge and uncomfortable. 

3. Sabotaging Joy

For narcissists, seeing others happy and enjoying themselves can be threatening. They may go to great lengths to sabotage the happiness of those around them, whether it's by stirring up conflict, making snide remarks, or ruining plans. By doing so, they maintain a sense of power and superiority at the expense of others' happiness.

Another way they can achieve this is by invalidating your desire to celebrate through dismissing any perceived importance you place on special occasions. E.g. “Birthdays aren't important to me (including yours)”, “it's just a made up holiday to make money”, “I don't know why you want to be a sheep and do things just because other people do them”.  

4. Lack of Empathy

Perhaps the most significant reason why narcissists ruin special occasions is their profound lack of empathy. 

They are limited in their ability to understand or truly consider the feelings of others, leading them to act in ways that are hurtful and selfish. 

While most people approach special occasions with the intention of connection, making memories, spreading love and goodwill, narcissists are only really concerned with their own desires and needs.

What can you do?

Because dealing with narcissistic individuals during holidays can be predictably challenging, a great strategy is to set boundaries to protect your own well-being. 

Try to remember that enforcing boundaries is different from setting expectations for others to adhere to. A boundary is essentially a plan on how you're going to respond - through your actions -  when someone does something which makes you uncomfortable. 

You will also need to be realistic with your expectations. They are not capable of consistently being the caring, compassionate, reasonable and rational person you would like them to be.

It's worthwhile seeing these events as opportunities for reflection, a time to gain insight into what's driving their behaviour (if you've been on the fence as to whether they're narcissistic or something else is going on), allowing you to weigh up how much importance you place on your relationship with this individual. 

You have choices with every relationship in your life. If you can learn anything from a narcissist, it's that you have the option to go against the norm if it's in your best interests.