How to determine your partner’s true nature: Cutting through confusion in toxic relationships

“Your gut knew first. Your mind is just catching up.”

When you’re wrapped up in a relationship, it’s easy to get swept away with emotions, hopes, and dreams. You want to believe the best in your partner, but when things start to feel confusing, inconsistent or “off”, it’s difficult to know what to do or what to think about this. It’s common to try to dismiss these feelings, or view them as personal flaws or failings. You might even feel like you’re sabotaging yourself.

What you're feeling could be your intuition trying to guide you, long before your mind catches up. This guide will help you tune into that inner voice and give you the tools to start understanding your partner's true nature, so you can trust yourself to make clearer decisions.

Look at patterns, not promises

We usually want to believe what our partner says, especially when they promise change or reassure us that everything will get better. But…actions really do speak louder than words. Anyone can say the "right things* when they’re in a good mood or when they want something. But real character shows up over time

Take a step back and look at patterns. Do they show kindness when there’s nothing to gain? Are they still respectful even when they're stressed or frustrated? Are there repeated behaviours that contradict what they say? Do they apologise but then do the same thing over and over again? 

Your partner’s true nature isn’t just in their words - it's in how they act, how they consistently treat you, and how they handle the tough stuff. One-off moments can be misleading. Patterns are where the truth lives.

Notice how you feel around them

We often focus on how much we love someone or how much we want the relationship to work. But a more significant indicator of what's happening to notice how your body feels around them. 

Do you feel energised, supported, and safe when you’re around your partner? Or do you feel drained, anxious, or confused? Do you feel calm, valued, at ease? Or do you feel tense, hypervigilant or small?

Trust your own feelings. If something feels off, it probably is. You’re not imagining it, and you don’t need to dismiss it just because it’s uncomfortable. Your nervous system can pick up on things that your mind might try to explain away.

Watch their reactions when you need something

It’s easy to be loving and supportive when everything’s going well. But how does your partner react when you need something from them? When you're vulnerable, when you’re not at your best?

The strength of a relationship isn’t tested when things are easy. Does your relationship still feel strong when you ask for support, honesty, or respect? Or is that when the cracks start to show?

How does your partner react when you set a boundary, ask for help, or express a need? Defensive, dismissive, angry? Or are they willing to hear you out, even if it’s hard?

Your partner's true character shows up in these moments - the ones where they’re asked to care for you in the way that you need. 

Trust what you see, not what you hope for

It’s human to want to believe the best in people. Especially if you’ve invested your heart. But true connection cannot be built on potential. It can only be built on reality.

If you're constantly hoping for things to improve, or for your partner to be who you want them to be (or who they seemed to be in the beginning), you're not seeing them for who they truly are. This is not easy to accept. But you need to know you deserve a loving relationship that’s built on what’s real.

And it’s never your job to fix your partner (as if anyone has the power to do this anyway! Ha!). It's your job to protect yourself. 

You deserve clarity and safety

Figuring out someone’s true nature isn't about gathering enough "evidence" to justify leaving or staying. It’s about getting honest with yourself about what you’re experiencing. 

Listen to your gut - has it been trying to tell you something important? Confusion and uncertainty are signals, don’t ignore them.

You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, valued, and respected. Anything less will leave you feeling insecure. 

Sometimes, seeing your partner’s true nature means facing some hard truths - but this will help you trust yourself more deeply and move towards a healthier, happier, more beautiful future.

How counselling can help you trust yourself again

Trusting yourself isn’t always as simple as just listening to your gut. When you’ve been doubting yourself for a while, or have been conditioned to question your instincts, it can be hard to hear, or pay proper attention to your inner voice.

That’s where counselling can help. Working with a professional like me gives you the space and support to understand your feelings more clearly. Together, we can turn up the volume on your intuition so it becomes easier to hear and follow. You'll start recognising what your gut is telling you and learning to trust that guidance more confidently.

Having an ally in counseling means you don’t have to navigate this process alone. We’ll work through the layers of confusion and emotional fog, clarify your needs and work on creating stronger boundaries that will make you feel safe. With the right support, you can amplify your own inner wisdom and make decisions that are aligned with your true self.

If you're interested in getting started, click here to make a booking.