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What it's like inside a narcissistic relationship

Firstly, what's their deal? 

While it's often described as highly sinister behaviour designed to destroy you, at its core, narcissistic abuse is a more like a highly dysfunctional way for someone to obtain and maintain relationship attachments.

 

Our early attachments in life are a dance between nature and nurture. We're wired to connect, but the quality and style of care we receive when we're young shapes how we see ourselves. Our own temperament also plays a role in how we experience or respond to our attachments and can influence the way caregivers treat us. Inconsistent or inadequate caregiving can lead to insecure attachments. 

 

Research suggests a significant deficit in self-esteem (and a sense of self) plays a central role in how narcissism develops. A lack of self-esteem can develop due to an absence of warmth, proper care or attachment from our primary caregivers. It can also be the result of neglect and abuse. 

 

By the same token, narcissism can also develop when our caregivers overvalue us. If we grow up constantly being told we're the most beautiful/talented/special/gifted child, and have our caregivers promote us as such, rather than helping us develop solid self-esteem, it can make us doubt our true value because we're essentially being treated like an object that fulfils some sort of need or role for our caregivers, rather than a young human who needs to be nurtured in a variety of ways.

 

Neither of these scenarios honour or support the healthy development of our inherent character or individuality. Instead, they can lead to a highly fragile ego and sense of self which, in turn, can cause us to have an abnormal need to feel powerful. This need for power and control is a way of compensating for the inability to feel that we are truly worthy and deserving of love. 

 

Additionally, if we develop narcissism, we'll become largely cut off from our feelings - greatly reducing our ability to have healthy levels of empathy for others. Also, we're also likely to have lower levels of agreeableness, further alienating us from the ‘typical’ human experience. 

 

Hopefully you can see that people don't choose to be narcissistic. Given the ‘right’ circumstances in early childhood, it could have happened to any of us.

But what about the actual abuse part of it?

Narcissistic abuse can occur in a variety of ways: 

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  • through the use of various control tactics 

  • in reaction to hypersensitivity around perceived threats and criticisms 

  • as a defence mechanism - putting others down can make them feel superior 

  • as learned behaviour - simply replicating accepted behaviours observed at home, school, within a social circle, in the community, in the media

 

We may all be guilty of these types of behaviour from time to time. None of us are perfect and we've all had to unlearn harmful behaviours which were originally normalised in some way (e.g. think back to ‘harmless’ teasing in the school yard). That doesn't necessarily mean we're narcissists. 

 

The difference often becomes much more apparent in intimate relationships. There are fairly distinct, predictable cycles and behaviours which tend to escalate and increase in intensity over time. Combine this with a heavy dose of denial and a lack of remorse and you've got the recipe for narcissistic abuse. 

How does it mess with people?

Because these relationships usually start with love bombing - that intoxicating phase where you're made to feel incredibly special and valued - for the moment, the idea that this person would ever mistreat you seems inconceivable.

 

Love-bombing, which is a bit like starting a meal with decadent dessert after being on a restrictive diet, is followed by a bitter side dish of not-so-nice behaviours such as projection, gaslighting and isolation. 

 

You start realising your fairytale romance is no longer perfect. More disturbingly, the relationship seems to be chipping away at your confidence and perception of reality.

 

As the abuse escalates, the side dish becomes the main course.

 

They start exerting increasing levels of control over you. You're probably experiencing this in various, relatively subtle ways, making it difficult to recognise and even harder to convey to others. And to confuse you further, every now and then, the wonderful version of this person - the one you fell in love with - makes a reappearance, treating you like gold for a while. This keeps giving you hope that the relationship you envisioned is actually possible!

 

But…at some point, it becomes obvious - too obvious to ignore - that something is very wrong. You're struggling to find things that your partner seems to like about you even though you've been working harder than ever to improve the relationship. 

 

It’s time to take stock of your current situation:

 

  • Lower confidence

  • Lower sense of self-worth and autonomy

  • Limited energy 

  • Limited mental space for anything besides the relationship

  • Decreased performance at work or with other responsibilities

  • Social isolation

  • Increased emotional distress

 

And like many others who have been through this before you, you're probably now experiencing a range of diagnosable health conditions such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, PTSD, physical ailments and/or an exacerbation of existing conditions. You might now have abnormal eating and sleeping patterns, you may be using substances to cope. All of this phase can be extremely confronting. (click here for a checklist of symptoms that can be related to narcissistic abuse)

 

You've been completely absorbed with the survival of the relationship, but now you need to shift focus and think about your survival. 

 

Eventually you may recognise you're experiencing grief. And it’s not just about the relationship, there’s often an immense amount of pain around the loss of self - will you ever feel like yourself again?  

 

To add to the gravity of the whole situation, it's not uncommon to experience disturbing thoughts of suicide and hoplessness, because this amount of pain feels unbearable and nothing you do seems to fix the situation. 

 

If you're feeling this way right now - that you want to end your life - please reach out to a support service which can provide immediate help. And don't give up hope, it's important to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel! 

Spotting the signs - what are those early red flags? 

When they shower you with love: Love bombing

The start can be intoxicating. In fact, being in a relationship with a narcissist has been recognised by researchers as creating the same type of effect in your body and mind as an actual drug addiction. 

 

If they're an overt type, they probably seem charming, intriguing, magnetic, perhaps strangely familiar. There’s some electricity in the air. They seem confident, powerful, maybe out of your league? 

 

If they’re a covert type, they may seem like a broken baby bird. They'll be the first to tell you that the world has let them down, making you feel sad for them. Your instincts to care for and protect those who are vulnerable are instantly activated. With your love, maybe this person could feel whole again and you'll have a beautiful life together? 

 

Once it's on, things often move so fast that you don't even notice that they're almost always in charge of the whole she-bang. But it doesn't even matter right now because it feels magical and you just want to be in the moment. You've been dreaming of a fairy-tale romance and this might be it!

 

In this phase you're showered with compliments and/or positive validation. They may even make grand gestures of their devotion such as giving you expensive or sentimental gifts, inviting you on trips or to important events, asking you to move in or maybe even undergoing some type of medical procedure or body modification ‘for you’, e.g. a vasectomy, breast implants, a tattoo of your name.  

 

They’ll tell you things like “you're perfect”, “where have you been all my life?”, “I've never met anyone like you”, “I’m never going to let you go - you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.”

 

They seem eager to please you, to impress you. The sexual chemistry might be off the charts. They seem so invested right away because they think you're THAT amazing. Wow! You didn't expect this, but it feels intoxicating and you're getting swept away on this incredible high. 

Blaming you for things they're actually doing: Projection

Often a narcissist will tell you early on, or when they want to gain your sympathy or create a distraction from something you're trying to address, something along the lines of “all my exs are crazy”, “I've been cheated on a lot”, “I've been hurt/abused/mistreated by lots of people in my life”. By the end of the relationship, you might develop your own hypothesis on the reality of these claims, drawing on your own experience of feeling crazy after being in a relationship with them, or seeking solace in someone outside the relationship who can help you leave safely. 

 

Though, for now, you're more focused on trying to be a good relationship partner and attempting to address issues as they arise. But you soon notice this often leads to conflict, somehow. 

 

When their emotions are running high, they'll confidently accuse you of the very same behaviour you've just raised as a concern.

 

Because you want to believe you're in a relationship with a reasonable and rational person, you start wondering if they could be right somehow… even though they can’t give you clear examples when pressed for details.

 

Projection might show up as jealousy, accusations of cheating, claims that you're too sensitive. 

 

What happened to those heady days when they thought you were the most amazing person who ever existed?

It's not making sense, now I don't know if I can trust myself: Gaslighting

​So things are becoming more intense, and not in a good way. It's getting weird, right? 

 

You want a healthy, harmonious relationship that will last, but at the moment there seem to be a lot of perplexing fights (they may prefer to downgrade them to ‘disagreements’) and misunderstandings. You're struggling to stay on the same page and this 'dream relationship' is feeling a bit more like a nightmare. 

 

When you try to describe what you're experiencing to others, it probably comes out as a messy jumble that either doesn't make much sense (why is it so hard to explain?) or it's interpreted as completely innocent behaviour, e.g. “they probably weren't ignoring you all day, they were just giving some space.”

 

But the examples of ‘weirdness’ are accumulating. 

 

One example might be that fight where they said wildly hurtful things, or threatened to end the relationship in the heat of the moment, or accused you of various things, except… you tried to talk to them about it when they were calm and they said none of that even happened. What?!?

 

And what about that time when you made plans and they agreed to join you, but when the time came, they were adamant that you never told them about it or they never agreed to go? 

 

Or what about those things they promised to do for you, that didn't get done, and when you ask them about it they claim to not know what you’re talking about.

 

Maybe they keep telling you about things they asked you to do but you have zero recollection of. 

 

Is it possible they have dementia, or amnesia? You probably wonder if you were mistaken, or if there's something seriously wrong with your brain? And why do they always make it seem like it's all your fault every single time?

 

Your confusion is growing… 

 

So you become hypervigilant - putting things in writing, setting up a shared calendar, reminding them ahead of time (carefully, because for some reason this seems to trigger them too). You might start wanting to record everything so you've got ‘evidence’ to back you up. 

Some other not-so-fun things

Lack of empathy

  • Saying deeply hurtful things despite claiming to love you

  • Being cold towards you when you're upset, distressed or experiencing panic

  • Not seeming to care about things which are important to you

  • A complete lack of concern when you let them know their anger, aggression or actions are scaring you

 

Always needing to be in control 

  • It seems to be unusually challenging to work together as a team

  • They regularly give you options, making it seem like they care about what you want, but this doesn't feel like an even partnership. It might feel like they've created a parent/child dynamic by making you dependant on them.

  • They might seem easy going, but you’re noticing things only really happen on their terms or it'll probably lead to conflict

  • Lengthy monologues (monopolising conversations), filibustering during conflict, needing to have the last word

  • Giving and withholding attention/affection/sex in cycles to maintain power over you

  • Maintaining financial control or being financially reckless (causing you to have to contribute much more in order to keep the important bills paid   

  • Using other control tactics such as stonewalling, being a ‘bad texter’ and failing to communicate, causing sleep deprivation, doing or saying things to cause you to worry unnecessarily 

 

Non-apologies (or no apologies)

  • “I’m sorry you feel that way”

  • “I apologise if you think I [insert invalidating, hurtful or controlling behaviour here]”

  • “I apologise if you took it that way, that wasn't my intention”

  • “I have nothing to apologise for - this is your problem”

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(check this blog post about non-apologies)

 

Brushing off your feelings

  • “You're overreacting”

  • “You're too sensitive” (classic)

  • “It was just a joke”

  • “You've got no reason to feel insecure/jealous/unhappy about this”

  • A general willingness to discuss your concerns “I can't have serious conversations right now (or ever)”

 

Defensiveness, distraction, diversion 

Raising a concern with them is likely to trigger their defenses, resulting in any of the following:

  • complete denial of the issue

  • stonewalling

  • word salad (saying a lot without saying anything at all)

  • circular arguments (often takes the form of asking you questions, not allowing you to answer properly, before going on to the next question and the next, eventually repeating questions multiple times)

  • counter attacks (yes, it feels like war to them)

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Aggression and rage

  • Their emotions can go from zero to a hundred before you even know what triggered them

  • If their emotions are triggered, it feels like suddenly in a battle on opposing sides - you against them rather than the two of you against the problem

  • they might not be physically abusive (most will refrain from hitting, punching, choking, etc.), but when their emotions are heightened, they’ll use intimidation tactics and verbal abuse to outmatch you: 

    • yelling

    • posturing, standing over you, blocking your exit

    • aggressive gestures

    • insults and name calling 

    • swearing at you

 

If you point out that they're intimidating you, they'll probably just accuse you of the same thing - apparently you're the angry or aggressive one, they're just trying to protect or defend themselves from you (projection, big time).

 

Isolating you (often in ways which are hard to pinpoint)

  • they might monopolise your time, or need you, leaving little time for anyone else

  • maybe their schedule somehow always prevents you from making plans when your friends are available

  • they express disapproval of certain friends, making it seem like they've got your best interests at heart “so and so seems toxic, they're a bad influence on you” (projection again?)

  • they might try to induct you into a cult or ‘special’ group/practice/lifestyle which essentially alienates you from your social network

  • they might even force you to move to another town, city or country

 

Future faking

They can be so creative with this one because they never have to follow through.

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One thing they excel at is finding out what you want most in the world so they can make it seem like they're going to provide this for you in the future. 

 

It might be an engagement, marriage or a wedding, children (including being an active step-parent), further education, travel, buying or building a home together, financial stability - any of the big things. 

 

But when push comes to shove, what you wanted the most from this relationship is strangely elusive. There's always a hurdle, a challenge, a roadblock in the way. 

 

One of the least creative hurdles they’ll use is highlighting the quality of the relationship or their confidence in the relationship (e.g. “[important thing] can't happen while we're fighting so much”), while making it seem like it's your fault that the relationship isn't healthy. 

Want to know more? 

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