What if I'm the problem? How to tell if you're overreacting or finally seeing clearly

Maybe I'm too sensitive.

Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Maybe if I just tried harder, communicated better, was less difficult, everything would be fine.

What if I'm actually the problem?

If this internal monologue sounds familiar, you're not alone. Wondering if you're the problem is one of the most common concerns my clients wrestle with, even though they're often terrified to say it out loud. It's the thought that keeps you awake at 3am, scrolling through old messages looking for proof that you're not going mad. It might be the reason you've put off getting help, convinced that maybe you just need to try harder, be better, or finally "get over it."

Here's what I want you to know right from the start: the fact that you're asking this question already tells me something important about you.

Why self-doubt haunts you

The people who ask "Am I overreacting?" are almost never the problem. Seriously. In all my time doing this work, I've noticed something. The people who are genuinely being unreasonable, manipulative, or difficult rarely stop to question themselves at all. They're too busy being right, acting entitled, feeling superior.

If you're constantly second-guessing your perceptions, it's usually because someone (or multiple someones) have trained you to doubt yourself. Maybe you grew up in an environment where your feelings were dismissed as "too much" or "dramatic." Maybe you've been in a relationship where your concerns were met with defensiveness, eye rolls, or much, much worse - they were turned back on you as evidence of your own instability.

Over time, this creates a painful pattern where the more you try to make sense of confusing situations, the more confused you become. You start overthinking everything, replaying conversations on a loop, analysing your own reactions, wondering if you're being fair. The overthinking itself becomes absolutely exhausting, but it's not a character flaw or a sign that something's wrong with you. It's a symptom of having lost trust in your own perceptions.

And here's the really painful part. When you can't trust yourself, you become hyper-dependent on others to tell you what's real. Which makes you incredibly vulnerable if those people aren't trustworthy.

Why trusting your gut doesn't work

You've probably heard the advice: "Just trust your gut." Or "Listen to your intuition." Maybe even "Your feelings are valid, full stop."

I totally get why people say these things. But what happens when your gut has been trained to doubt itself? What happens when your intuition has been overridden so many times that you can't hear it anymore? What happens when trusting your feelings just leads to more confusion because you're genuinely not sure if what you're feeling is real or if you're being irrational?

This is where most approaches to self-trust fall apart. It's based on the assumption that you have a reliable inner compass that just needs to be listened to. But if your compass has been spinning wildly for months or years, simply trying to "trust" it doesn't actually help. It just makes you feel as if you're broken when you can't...

Analysing your thoughts in circles doesn't help either. You can think about your feelings, question your feelings, judge your feelings, and justify your feelings until you're utterly exhausted, but you're still not actually experiencing them in a way that gives you clarity.

There's a different way to understand what's happening inside you, and it starts with how your brain actually works.

Your brain is constantly making predictions (and why this changes everything)

This is something that genuinely changed my life, both personally and in how I work with clients. Your brain isn't just passively responding to what's happening around you. It's constantly, actively making predictions about what's going to happen next, based on everything you've ever experienced before.

This is called predictive processing, and it's basically how neuroscience is one way neuroscience explains how we make sense of the world. Our brain is running millions of tiny forecasts every second:

Is this person safe?

What does that tone of voice mean?

Should I speak up or stay quiet?

What’s likely to happen next?

These predictions are shaped by your past. If you grew up around chaos or criticism, your brain learned to expect danger even when things look calm. If you were punished or ignored for expressing needs, your body might tense up before you even speak, because your brain is predicting conflict.

But here’s an important distinction: your emotions aren’t only predictions. They’re also real-time signals from your body, messages about what’s happening right now, how safe or unsafe you feel, and what you might need.

As an example, that knot in your stomach before a difficult conversation could partly reflect your brain predicting that this might go badly, but it’s also your nervous system registering uncertainty and wanting safety. You might recognise that internal signal as fear - a completely natural emotional response to something that feels risky or unknown.

Then, almost instantly, the mind steps in and adds meaning: “I’m being ridiculous,” or “I should be stronger than this.” And that’s when fear (which is just data) turns into shame - a feeling that judges the original emotion. The emotion gives you information; the feeling adds a story about what that information says about you.

Your emotions are messengers. Sometimes they carry old data (e.g. “this feels like danger because it was before”), and sometimes they carry current truth (“this feels wrong because it actually is”). Either way, they’re not errors or overreactions, they’re information about what your system is sensing and anticipating.

Your job isn’t to decide whether your emotions are valid or accurate, it’s to get curious:

“Is this emotion responding to what’s happening right now, or echoing something from the past?”

Both can be true, and understanding that gives you freedom instead of self-blame.

How to actually work with your emotions (not against them)

So how do you break the loop? Not by thinking harder about whether you're overreacting. That just feeds the cycle and leaves you more exhausted.

Instead, you learn to notice your emotions as sensory signals (raw data from your body) before you jump to the feelings (the meanings and stories you attach to those signals).

Here’s a simple practice you can try right now, in this moment:

Think of a situation where you're questioning yourself. Maybe it's something your partner said that's been bothering you. Maybe it's a boundary you're not sure you should set. Maybe it's just this nagging feeling that something's off but you can't quite put your finger on what.

Instead of asking "Am I overreacting?", try noticing the raw sensory data first:

• What sensations are happening in my body right now? (Tight chest? Stomach churning? Shoulders creeping up? Jaw clenched? Feeling heat around your face?)

• Can I just notice these sensations without immediately labelling them as "anxiety" or "being dramatic"?

• If this bodily signal could speak, what might it be trying to alert me to?

• What past experience might my brain be drawing on to create this prediction and these sensations right now?

  
  

The goal here isn’t to immediately trust or dismiss what you’re experiencing, it’s to get to know what kind of information your body is giving you. The raw emotion (the sensory data) might come from a past prediction, a present truth, or a mix of both. By separating the raw signal from the meaning you attach to it, you start to see your emotions as allies rather than evidence that you’re overreacting.

Sometimes you’ll realise: “Oh, my body is responding with this tight chest and shallow breathing because the last time I brought this issue up with someone, I was yelled at and made to feel stupid. But this person I’m with now has never actually done that.” That’s incredibly useful information. Your brain is making a prediction based on old data, and you can gently start to update it.

Other times you’ll realise: “My body keeps sending me these warning signals every single time I bring this up, because every time the conversation gets derailed, I end up comforting them instead....and then I’m the one apologising for having needs in the first place.” That’s also useful information, but it’s pointing to a real problem in the current dynamic, not an overreaction on your part.

The difference is that you’re no longer stuck in your head trying to think your way to the “right” answer. You’re working with your body’s signals, not fighting against them or dismissing them as proof that you’re broken.

So... am I actually overreacting?

Alright, let’s get clear on what you really want to know.

You’re probably NOT overreacting if:

• This is a pattern that keeps happening, not just a one-off bad day

• Your concerns are consistently dismissed, minimised, or turned back on you

• You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells

• You find yourself obsessively reviewing conversations to figure out what you did wrong

• Your needs—even basic ones—are treated as unreasonable

• You feel relief, actual physical relief, when the other person isn’t around

• People who know you well have noticed changes—you’re more anxious, less confident, more withdrawn

  
  

You might be dealing with old wounds showing up if:

• Your body is reacting intensely to something objectively small (and that’s okay—your emotions are still real)

• You’re noticing familiar sensations from past relationships showing up with someone new who hasn’t done those things

• You can recognise a familiar pattern from childhood or a previous relationship playing out

  
  

Here’s what’s crucial: both things can be true at the same time. You can be triggered by old wounds and be in a genuinely problematic situation right now. You can have your own healing to do and be experiencing real harm in your current relationship.

The question “Am I overreacting?” keeps you stuck because it forces a false choice: either you’re broken and need to fix yourself, or the other person is completely in the wrong.

Reality is rarely that black and white—and that kind of binary thinking is part of what keeps people trapped.

What you might actually need, and what genuinely helps, is someone who can help you make sense of the confusion. Someone who can help you distinguish between “my nervous system is on high alert because of past experiences” and “my nervous system is on high alert because something unsafe is happening right now.” Someone who gets that both can happen at once.

You could benefit from support in rebuilding trust in yourself. This isn't an overnight process, it starts by learning to work with your nervous system, update old predictions, and make sense of what’s happening now.

What actually changes when you get support

Here are the types of comments I often hear from clients after their very first session:

“I finally feel like someone actually gets it.”

“You’ve helped me see things I couldn’t see before—it’s like everything just clicked into place.”

“I didn’t realise how much I needed to say all of this out loud without being judged.”

That shift - from confusion to clarity, from self-doubt to self-trust- can happen surprisingly quickly when you have the right framework and proper support. Not because I’m handing you answers, but because I’m helping you make sense of your own experience in a way that finally feels coherent and real.

You don’t need years of therapy to start feeling better. I see this all the time: clients notice a real difference after just one or two sessions. Because we’re not just endlessly talking about feelings, we’re working with your nervous system, updating predictions, rebuilding trust in yourself, and giving you tools you can actually use.

Partners, friends, and family often notice that my clients seem lighter, more at ease and genuinely happy, even when they're going through contentious separation processes, or after years of constant abuse and mistreatment.

It’s not magic. This is what happens when someone helps you see clearly again, when the fog finally lifts!

You’re not overreacting - you’re ready

If you’re reading this and seeing yourself in these words, that’s genuinely your answer. You’re not overreacting. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not making things up. You’re not the problem.

You’re someone who’s been trying to make sense of confusing, painful dynamics without the right support or framework to understand what’s actually happening. And you’re ready for that to change.

You don’t have to have it all figured out before you reach out. You don’t have to know exactly what to say or whether your situation is “bad enough.” You just have to be willing to take that first step, even if it feels scary.

Counselling isn’t about being broken or needing to be fixed. It’s about getting the clarity, tools, and support you need to finally trust yourself again—and to move forward in a way that feels right for you, not for everyone else.

Ready to stop questioning yourself and start getting some real answers?

Book a free 15-minute insight call to have an initial chat, or go ahead and book a session if you want get started as soon as possible.

You don’t have to keep doing this alone.