Trauma bond: Why it feels like love...but isn’t

If you’ve ever wondered what does trauma bond mean and why it’s so hard to walk away from someone who repeatedly hurts you, you’re not alone. Trauma bonds are one of the most confusing and painful relationship dynamics because they disguise themselves as love, and feel like an addiction.

A trauma bond isn’t about romance or genuine connection. And it tricks you into believing that if you can just fix the problems, or prove your worth, the relationship could finally become what you’ve always dreamed it could be.

The building blocks of a trauma bond

1. Power Imbalance

Trauma bonds always involve an unequal power dynamic. One person holds more control, while the other is left scrambling to maintain closeness or security. This imbalance can make you feel like you need to earn love, rather than knowing you are already worthy of it.

2. Intermittent Reinforcement

Moments of kindness or passion are sprinkled in between criticism, neglect, or cruelty. Intermittent reinforcement is known as the most effective form of behavioural conditioning -the unpredictability can keep you hooked, especially if you're not screening for it in the early stages of the relationship.

This is a big part why you might feel addicted to the relationship. The hot and cold, up and down behaviour can make you feel like they're responding or reacting to your actions, and by that logic if feels like you're able to positively influence the relationship IF you can just figure out the right thing to do.

You’re not weak - your nervous system has been conditioned to chase the “reward” of love after pain.

3. Fantasy and Hope

Many people caught in trauma bonds fall in love with potential, not reality. You might hold tightly to an image of what the relationship could be if only the other person would:

• realise they’re hurting you,

• finally overcome their addiction (if relevant), or

• work through their unresolved issues.

It feels like there’s just one barrier in the way of a wonderful future. That hope is powerful -and it keeps you locked into the cycle, especially if you've already heavily invested your precious time, energy and (perhaps) money into the relationship.

It's helpful to know that we can't truly love someone, especially at the start of a relationship, when we barely even know anything about them (by knowing I mean we've had an opportunity to see if what they tell us about themselves is accurate, if their actions are aligned with their words, if they're consistent and reliable, if they're being their true self or if they're just putting on some kind of performance at the start). If we feel like we love someone when we've only known them for a relatively short time, we're probably experiencing limerence rather than love.

4. Cognitive Dissonance

When someone says “I love you” but also causes harm, your mind struggles to hold both truths. To ease the discomfort, you may start minimising the harm, excusing their behaviour, or blaming yourself. Over time, this distortion makes it harder to see the relationship for what it really is.

Cognitive dissonance is a kind of discomfort caused by inner conflict. Our brains do not like inner conflict because it makes it impossible to come up with satisfactory plans and and need some kind of resolution. So we lean towards our preferred "truth" in the situation, even though the other

5. Reactive Abuse

If you're the type of person who takes care to not harm others (e.g. you try to avoid yelling, blaming, accusing, name calling, etc.) it can be extremely concerning and destabilising to find yourself behaving in uncharacteristic ways.

Reactive abuse is where you respond to ongoing harm with some form of destructive anger. It's where you've tried numerous times to let the other person know that you're not ok with their behaviour, and that it's hurting you, and out of pure frustration you lose control. Then you experience shame and blame from your partner because you're "the problem", "crazy", "the abusive one", "the one who needs to work on your behaviour".

You recognise that your behaviour isn't healthy, it's not ok, but it's important to keep things in perspective and realise that it's a essentially form of self-protection after completely exhausting all other possibilities within the relationship.

The devastating thing about reactive abuse is it further shifts the power imbalance in favour of the other partner, locking you into the trauma bond even more tightly than before.

If you start seeing reactive abuse in your relationship, view it as a warning sign that you are likely in a trauma-bond and working harder at the relationship isn't going to help.

A deeper issue: How we learn to see love

The way trauma bonds grip us is often linked to the way we’ve learned to view love itself.

• If love has always felt like something you must perform for or earn, unhealthy dynamics will feel familiar.

Can you relate to any of the following examples?

• Going back to childhood, if we behaved well (according to what our caregivers specifically wanted) then good things were supposed to happen, or there was supposed be a reward.

• If we were good as the sport they wanted us to do, or got good grades, then they approved of us and made us feel worthy.

• If we had problematic parents who were unable or unwilling to communicate openly, then we became accustomed to trying to guess their needs, and fill the gaps for them in the hopes they would be able to treat us properly once their needs were met.

• If you’ve been taught that intensity equals intimacy, you may confuse early obsession or chemistry with true connection.

  
  

  This type of dynamic has been reinforced by media (especially over the past 40 years), with a lot of people thinking that "sparks" are an essential basis for a relationship.

  
  

• If you’re someone who naturally projects your own good intentions onto others, you might believe: If I wouldn’t knowingly hurt someone, then they wouldn’t either.

  
  

  These beliefs keep the fantasy alive. They convince you that once your partner “understands,” once they “work on themselves,” or once you “try harder,” everything will fall into place.

  
  

Romantic love that requires constant self-sacrifice, rescuing, or endless waiting isn’t love - it’s more likely to be a trauma bond.

Why understanding trauma bonds matters

Recognising the meaning of a trauma bond gives you a map. It helps you see that you’re not trapped because you’re weak, you’re trapped because the bond itself was designed to keep you chasing something that isn’t real.

When you can start identifying and naming the different components - power imbalance, intermittent reinforcement, fantasy, and cognitive dissonance - you start to step outside of the illusion. It becomes easier to stop asking questions like, “What can I do to make this work?” and start asking things like, “What would love look like if it didn’t hurt?”

This shift opens the door to healthier, safer, and more mutual relationships - the kind where you don’t have to perform, earn, or wait for love. It allows you to experience feeling worthy, respected and appreciated for who you are.

If you’re in Australia and you’re starting to recognise any of these patterns in your relationship, I offer online therapy to help you step out of the confusion and start to regain clarity and confidence so you can switch to building relationships grounded in safety and respect.

- Shannon ✨