Love or limerence - navigating the early stages of a relationship

At the beginning of something new, it's easy to get swept up in the sparkle. That rush of excitement, the butterflies, the daydreams about your future together—these feelings can be intoxicating. But if you've ever found yourself tumbling headfirst into someone only to later wonder what exactly you were in, it might be time to talk about the difference between love and limerence.

What is love, really?

Love is steady. It’s the kind of connection that deepens with time, shaped by shared experiences, mutual trust, and a whole lot of reality. It’s not flashy or frantic. It’s built on truly knowing one another—the wonderful bits and the not-so-pretty ones—and choosing care, respect, and kindness anyway.

And limerence?

Limerence is something else entirely. In a romantic relationship it's that all-consuming infatuation where the other person seems perfect. You can't stop thinking about them, and you need to know they feel the same. There's a kind of urgency to it, like your happiness depends on their validation.

Think of the way people can become obsessed with celebrities they've never met and may even feel like they genuinely love them. But it’s not about who that person actually is; it’s about who they seem to be. That’s limerence. It’s fantasy, not reality - and it feels real. Until it doesn’t.

Why it matters

When you know the signs, it gets easier to spot the difference. Limerence can feel magical, but it’s usually built on projection. Love takes root when we see someone clearly, and they see us, and we still choose each other - not just for the highlight reel, but for the full story.

Speaking for myself, I’ve fallen into limerence more than once. I didn’t have the words for it at the time, but looking back, it was like trying to build a future on a dream. And when I’ve been on the receiving end? It felt nice at first - who doesn’t like being adored? - but eventually, you realise they’re in love with the idea of you, not the real, complex, human version.

So here’s the thing:

If you’re in that early, electric stage of a relationship and wondering what’s real—pause. Get curious. Are you feeling connected because you’re really getting to know each other? Or are you caught up in how this person makes you feel about yourself? There’s no shame in limerence, but there’s power in recognising it.

Let’s go deeper

If you’re caught in something that feels all-consuming - whether it’s limerence, a trauma bond, or just the confusing swirl of early love - you don’t have to figure it out alone. These patterns can be powerful, especially if you’ve been through relational trauma or haven’t had many models of healthy love.

If you're starting to see the signs and it’s bringing up more questions than answers, I invite you to book a session.

Together, we can explore what’s coming up for you and help you get clearer on what’s real, what’s healthy, and what you actually want in a relationship.

You deserve clarity, connection, and something real. Let’s talk.