Saying the quiet part out loud: Recognising what's wrong in your relationship

In the early stages of the relationship, it might seem like everything is good, even great. You feel special, loved and admired. 

Over time, though, something changes. You find yourself confused, questioning your reality, and clinging to the few crumbs of affection you receive. This is the nature of narcissistic abuse in romantic relationships.

Narcissistic abuse often involves cycles of idealisation and devaluation. During the idealisation phase, they shower you with attention and compliments, maybe even gifts or grand gestures. You feel on top of the world. But sooner or later, the devaluation begins. The once loving partner becomes critical, emotionally distant, and difficult to please. You're left wondering what went wrong and constantly striving to regain their approval.

The dynamic is confusing and exhausting. You might find yourself rationalising their behaviour, thinking that if you just try harder, things will go back to how they were. You might put it down to work stress, their mental health, other external factors.  But the reality is, what you're experiencing is not normal or healthy. The intermittent moments of calm and affection – the breadcrumbs – might not be intentionally manipulative, but they are a part of the dysfunctional pattern that comes with narcissistic personality disorder.

It’s important to underline the disorder part of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The behaviours you're experiencing are a by-product of this disorder, not necessarily intentional acts of manipulation or harm. 

Reaching the point of realisation that what you're experiencing is abusive is simultaneously  painful and liberating. 

Most people are trapped by shame and confusion for a long time before they reach this point, so try to be compassionate towards yourself if you're here right now. You're not stupid for wanting to love and to be loved. You're not an idiot for treating your partner with respect and trying to understand their perspective. You're not dumb for wishing that the version you fell in love with could return. It totally makes sense.

Once you recognise you’re not being treated with love, respect or understanding on a consistent basis, that all of these key ingredients have been replaced with disrespect, invalidation, neglect and various forms of abuse (perhaps a laundry list of abusive behaviour!) it's crucial to acknowledge the pain and confusion, but also to recognise the strength it takes to see the situation for what it truly is. 

Now is the time to say the quiet part out loud - "This is not okay, I deserve better."

Talking to someone about your experience is a vital step in finding your way back home.

Seek out a trusted friend, a support group, or a professional counsellor who understands narcissistic abuse. Speaking your truth can be incredibly empowering and can help you break free from these cycles of dysfunction and everything else that comes with it.

No one can survive on breadcrumbs in a relationship. The foundation should be love, kindness and respect. You deserve to be treated well and you always have the right to prioritise your wellbeing.

In saying the quiet part out loud, you can reclaim your voice and start to regain control of your life. It may be the first step toward a healthier, happier future.

If you're interested in specialised counselling, feel free to book a session today.