It's just like a trip to the beach, a terrifying one...

A beach trip is usually about fun and relaxation. Basking in the warm sun, listening to the crashing waves, feeling rejuvenated from a refreshing swim in the ocean. 

This innocent scene mirrors the beginning of many relationships, which we approach with hope and optimism. 

But a new relationship can be as unpredictable as the ocean - you usually have to ‘test the waters’ to discover what's under the surface. 

If you find yourself in a narcissistic relationship, your outing might include stingers, dumping waves and getting sand in all sorts of uncomfortable places.

Worst of all, sooner or later you'll find yourself caught in a rip. 

It doesn't start out like that... 

Imagine your new partner brings you to their favourite beach. They're being incredibly warm and affectionate, playing with your hair, kissing you passionately. They tell you lots of sweet things. It's just like a scene from a movie. A perfect day which you hope will last forever!

Later, while you're having a swim together, you’re beginning to realise something doesn't feel right. 

From the shore, it might not look like you're in danger, but…you find you're not able to control your direction, you can't get any traction. 

You've heard of rips and how dangerous they are. Though, now you're in it, you're not totally certain if that's what you're experiencing. You look to your partner for help - they're right there with you - but they act as if absolutely nothing is wrong.

Each time you raise your concerns they respond by saying you're over-reacting, you're taking things too seriously, or they're offended by your perceived lack of trust in their judgement for bringing you here. 

They speak with so much authority and seem so…ruffled that you're even raising concerns. It makes you question your own perception. 

“I brought you here because I thought you were special - I never bring people to this place. Can't you just enjoy it? Why do you have to overthink things? I just want to have a good time, ok?”. So you put your concerns aside, for their sake. But you never feel totally safe or secure. 

You find yourself having to cling to them to stay afloat. They relish in this role of being your ‘saviour’. Although, sometimes it feels like they're literally holding you underwater. If you confront them about this they say "that's not what happened", or act incredulous that you could possibly think it was deliberate, or justify it by saying it's your fault…somehow. 

You're getting tired of it all

You've been out of your depth for too long and it's becoming terrifying. 

As you struggle to hold your head above water, you come to the realisation that you can’t rely on your partner to save you. This moment of clarity helps you summon the strength needed to break free of their grip. 

Swimming parallel to the shore, you know it's going to a while before you're safe, but you finally feel confident that you'll soon be ok. You use up all of your remaining energy to return to solid ground. 

As you recuperate from all of this, you find yourself struggling with mixed feelings about this person and the way they treated you. You'd been craving a connection like this. They seemed to genuinely care about you and made you feel amazing. You'd felt like you could trust and rely on them. But you can't shake the knowledge that they kept putting you in danger…and were the only one who could save you from that danger each time. But they seemed like such a good person... It doesn't make any sense.

And you have strange feelings of responsibility for them because they keep cluelessly going out into rips, seemingly unaware of the jeopardy they're putting themselves and others in. 

The aftermath

As part of your recovery, one of your strongest desires might be for others to understand your experience, because it was so bizarre. But...they're mostly focused on the fact that it's over and remind you that you're lucky to alive. They just seem to want you to move on. 

If feels impossible to move on when it all feels so unresolved. Your thoughts are still consumed by your ordeal on a regular basis - your brain needs to make sense of it all. 

This is where specialised counselling can help. If you've been through something like this, it can make a world of difference when you're able to unpack and process your experiences with someone who actually gets it. 

Deep understanding, compassion and empathy go a long way to dissolve the powerful effects of trauma.

When combined with guidance from a counsellor who can help you gain perspective and discover ways to safeguard yourself in the future, you can become empowered to move forward with freedom and optimism, rather than fear.